Tuesday, October 8, 2013

My Cosmopolitan Gun Store

I do not like going to any gun store for ammunition. I have to park next to some giant dick-compensating pick-up truck, then I have to deal with a bunch of overweight yokels who would have joined the Army, but they have this thing that is vague and sounds made up which barred their entry, so now they just work in a gun store and think that having an extensive knowledge of bangsticks is something to be proud of.

Or they did join the military, got out and are now overweight and working in a gun store. That's even worse.

My last trip to my friendly neighborhood shootin' shop went exactly like this:

Me: "Hi, do you have any bricks of .22 ammunition in stock?"

Sales Guy: "No, but I can sell you a .22 pistol!"

"I have a .22 pistol and two .22 rifles. What I need is something to shoot out of them."

"But this way, you'll have two .22 pistols!"

I don't even know how to deal with that insanity. The ammo I am looking for is very difficult to find right now, and when you do find it, the prices are insane.

A brick of .22 ammo is 500 rounds. That should cost, at the very most, $25. But you can't find it because dipshits all over the country are stockpiling it on the off chance the Muslim in the white house rapes Jesus or something. Fuck if I know how the misfiring synapses in their brains works.

I want to open my own gun store. Something that sits on the edge of the fashionable. I want it to look like a stand alone Apple store with better lighting. You're greeted as you walk in by someone eager and knowledgeable and you can either browse or work with someone who specializes in what you're looking for. Wanting the latest in shotgun chokes for turkey season? Certainly sir, John will be right with you. He loves turkey season! Looking for that perfect beginner's gun for your new lady? Amanda here has been working with all kinds of beginners. She's perfect!

But most of all, I would train my associates to separate the normal gun owners from the idiot doomsday preppers. Maybe a nonchalant question dropped when purchasing some .22 ammo...

"That's one brick of .22 ammo. Got any big plans for it?"

PROPER ANSWER: "Yeah, I have some raccoons to keep out of the trash and I'm hoping to get to the range sometime this week.

IMPROPER ANSWER. DO NOT SELL: "Well, there's a gun grabbing nigger in the White House, and I need to protect my unborn fetuses from his homosexual death squads!"

I'd also give a military discount. You'd be surprised how few militant gun stores offer a discount to actual military people. Especially camping supply places. Bass Pro offers a military discount for one week and it excludes about 75% of their stock. I mean, I don't expect them to sell boats at ten percent off all year, but when you look at the restrictions, there's no real reason to even plan for it.

"In accordance with the Bass Pro Shops discount policy, this 10% discount excludes reels, electronics, firearms, ammunition, reloading equipment, scopes, bows, arrows, taxidermy, gift cards, Tracker boats, Mercury motors, ATV’s, catalog sales, internet sales, restaurant food and drinks, and temporarily marked down items."

You know who does offer a military discount all the time? Lowes. On everything. I even got a discount on the materials when I had my fence built. Love those guys.

I could make an entire generation of soy latte drinkers comfortable with a firearm. Cardigans would come tailored to hold a snub-nosed .38 under the armpit. We'll make special holsters that work with skinny jeans and the gun range would have an espresso machine.

Or the entire idea would crash and burn within a month. I have no idea how the fashionable would respond to a gun store catered to them. Maybe I could hire some designers to add some splash to the firearms and make them more appealing to the young crowd who also wants to be deadly. I am open to suggestions.

1 comment:

  1. I like your idea and would come work for you in a second even though having no real world Firearms knowledge I'd have to start out as a glorified stock boy...or doing custom design work on the aforementioned holsters (gotta have soem one doing all the bling work

    I would ad one suggestion offer a discount to any man who brings in his daughter's birth certificate the day it is issued i've mentioned that idea to some gun owner friends of mine and every one has said "yea i'd have used that"